


like real people do

by violetlightning (tribute)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Denial of Feelings, Depression, Falling In Love, M/M, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-11-05
Packaged: 2018-07-24 15:05:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7512838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tribute/pseuds/violetlightning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chanyeol hates therapy, but he likes Baekhyun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so this is my first fic i'll try to update when i can :)
> 
> i know everyone experiences things differently, so this is my own personal experience with depression.
> 
> this fic was someone inspired by hozier's song like real people do so that's where the title came from.

It was dark like it always was in Chanyeol’s room. Blinds drawn closed and light bulbs removed from their lamps, collecting cobwebs on his desk. He lays beside his bed watching as his posters slowly fall off his plain gray wall. His guitar is hidden from his eyesight, a gaping hole in the base from when he kicked it earlier that week.

His room was silent save for his soft breaths and the ringing of his ears, they were always ringing. There’s the faraway sound of the ongoing tick of his clock above his head, tick tock, tick tock.

The vibration of his phone stirred him from his comatose state, Chanyeol blinked. Once, twice and let his mind adjust to being awake. He groans, lifting his lengthy body into a sitting position, keeping his eyes shut as the dizziness in his head subsides. Chanyeol rubs the heel of his left palm into his eyes, yellow pops of light dancing across his eyelids, drawing comfort from the dull pain he gets from lying down on wooden floors when he finally stands up.

He reaches forward blindly towards his bed, sliding his phone off his pillow where he threw it earlier and checks the ever flowing window of notifications. He takes a quick glance at the time, it's currently 7:33pm.

Kyungsoo (6) 

Sehun (2)

He scrolls through the notifications, each message just as desperate as the last.

_Chanyeol, get out of bed._

_Chanyeol you’ve missed class again, any more and you’ll be put on academic probation._

_I talked to your advisor, she said if you go and talk to her she can help you._

_That self-help therapy group I told you about meets tomorrow, I told them you were going to be there._

_Answer me._

_I’m coming over, unlock your door._

Self-help, therapy, tomorrow. Right, he vaguely remembers Kyungsoo’s rant on how he needs to talk about his feelings in order to get better.

_"Chanyeol I can’t help you if you don’t help yourself, you’re obviously sad or upset or something, but you’re not happy.” Kyungsoo sat at Chanyeol’s desk, stern gaze set upon Chanyeol, currently curled up in his Pokemon sheets. "If this is about your breakup I can assu-." He quickly dodges a pillow thrown toward his general direction._

  _“How do you know what I feel Soo? I can honestly tell you I’m fine I’ve just been really tired lately." He groans, turning away from the sound of Kyungsoo’s consistent nagging.  "And, this has nothing to do with your selfish cousin."_

 _He hears the screeching of a chair, “Chanyeol, you’ve been_ tired _for the last 5 months. I really think you should talk to someone, bottling up emotions isn’t healthy.” Kyungsoo closes the door behind him as he leaves._

 Chanyeol scoffs, he doesn’t need to get better, he’s fine and even if he wasn’t he’s sure talking about how he feels would do shit all.

 After ignoring Sehun's messages begging for homework he shuts off his phone, almost missing the last notification.

Sujin (1)

Chanyeol’s mood darkens further at the name currently lighting up his device. They didn’t end on good terms, at least not in Chanyeol’s opinion. Their last conversation still causing him headaches weeks later.

_Sujin reaches across the dining table, taking Chanyeol’s clammy palms into her own,_

_“I’m sorry Chanyeol, we need to break up.” Her freshly manicured nails rubbing circles across the backs of his hands in hopes to comfort him._

They were together 3 months, each of those 91 days a struggle for Chanyeol. Kyungsoo had told him to start dating again and set him up with his cousin, a law student from the neighboring University.  It had started out fine but he knew that when he began to retreat back into his familiar ways things would turn sour. He was right. It turned from the ever flowing conversations over dinner to constant badgering for an answer from him, or Sujin having to physically drag him out of bed when he had class. Chanyeol thought they could make it work, he really did.

_“You deserve someone who can fix you but I don’t think I’m that person. I want you to be happy Chanyeol, but I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon. I think you need help.” Chanyeol’s yanks his hands away from Sujin’s hold, his eye visibly twitching at the word “fix”, he doesn’t need to be fixed, he’s fine he’s okay he just tired. Really, really ti-_

_“You’re not fine and you’re not just tired Chanyeol, grow up before you break someone else's heart." He hadn’t realized he said the last part aloud. The screech of her chair being pushed back makes Chanyeol inwardly cringe but the slam of his door closing is familiar. It's comforting._

He manages to delete her message without even glancing at its contents and he falls onto his bed in defeat. This was the first time she had contacted him in 3 weeks, she hadn’t even taken her stuff with her leaving Chanyeol to stare at her toothbrush every morning after until Kyungsoo threatened to shove it up his ass if he didn’t throw it out. Sujin was never a kind person, appreciating honesty over sympathy, her cold voice still causing anger to boil up inside him.

_I think you need help._

_I think you need help._

_I think you need help._

Park Chanyeol doesn’t need help, he needs a drink.

\----

Chanyeol finds himself just down the street from, the farthest convenience store from campus, Kyungsoo was probably at his dorm right now and it wouldn’t be below him to search every possible place Chanyeol visited frequently, which presently consisted of his dorm, the on-campus convenience store, and the library.

It was a colder night than usual and Chanyeol curses himself for forgetting his jacket. Clad in basketball shorts and a t-shirt and a baseball cap he books it to the store in hopes to save himself from frostbite. The bell rings as he swings the door open and a waft of different spices and smells hits him instantly, he frowns, he hasn’t eaten all day and yet the food on display does nothing but sicken him.

The store is quiet which Chanyeol appreciates as he waves through the aisles looking for the familiar green bottles of soju. The layouts not much different from the store he usually frequents but he’s having trouble focusing on the task at hand when the bright fluorescent lights are burning his corneas. _Are they always this bright?_  Coming across it in the clear cased refrigerators lining the back wall Chanyeol grabs a bottle and makes his way to the front counter where he can pay.

There’s a boy, probably a bit younger than him sitting behind the cash register, his head is down and absorbed in whatever is going on his phone. Chanyeol places his bottle on the counter, the sound of glass on glass rousing the worker from his phone to the customer before him. When the cashier lifts his head Chanyeol tries not to stare too long, shifting his sight from the cashier's surprisingly shiny eyes to the row of chocolate bars just below his waist. The boy is beautiful, to say the least, with his curly black hair and glowing skin, his dark eyes are gleaming but the rest of his face seems unimpressed. Chanyeol subtly raises his eyes to see the boy scan the bottle, his pink lips moving around as if they’re speaking.

_Sir?_

_Sir?_

“Sir?” The boy snaps his fingers in front of Chanyeol’s face, shaking him abruptly from his staring.

“That’ll be ₩2, 277.” 

Chanyeol can feel his face heating up from being caught, passing over the correct amount of money and pulling his hat down he grabs the bottle from the counter. His hands brush up against the cashier's which darkens the blush further.

“Thank you.” He mutters, pushing open the store doors, shoving his shaking hands into his short pockets.  _Probably just from the cold,_ he thinks.

Painfully aware of how idiotic he just acted Chanyeol makes quick use of his recent purchase, swigging down a large gulp of the clear liquid, burning his throat as it makes it way past his lips.

When he looks up, the stars seem brighter than usual and Chanyeol finds himself lying in a park, watching the sky glow brighter and brighter. The pain behind his eyes from the lights pales in comparison to the pain he feels when he remembers why he's here.

_You need help. You need to be fixed._

Chanyeol takes another swig from the bottle, and another, and another, until he forgets about his needing to be fixed. He lets the soju wash its way through his body, allowing him to live in his familiar state of numbness. He closes his eyes and absorbs the silence, ignoring the constant vibrations coming from his phone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chanyeol goes to therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg i invented abandoning fics but hi im back and i hope to update more frequently and not every.. 5 months.
> 
> anyways i hope you enjoy this chapter and yeah thanks for reading!!!!!!
> 
> p.s i have other fics in the works that will hopefully be better than this mess

Every breath is a struggle when you’re suffocating yourself, some days are better than others he admits, the mornings he can feel his blood pumping in his veins and he actually has the energy to get up and leave his apartment are his favorite, he misses being able to do stuff and like stuff without feeling sick or guilty. Most mornings aren’t like that, he usually spends his time asleep or lying awake wishing to be asleep or crying. The days where he feels nothing terrify him, nothing bothers him, the nothingness just absorbs him sucking everything out of his body until he’s hollow and cold. Kyungsoo is always there for those days, he doesn’t speak when he finds Chanyeol sitting on his bed crying or just staring into space. He just sits down beside him and pulls Chanyeol until he’s resting his head in his lap. Nothing days are better than something days because at least Kyungsoo isn’t trying to fix something about him, he’s just there.

He grew up knowing that one day that his mind would swallow him into darkness, he just never thought that it would be this bad.

\----

Chanyeol has never known to make good decisions and when he wakes up with a splitting headache and his day-old clothes covering his sheets in dirt, he’s never agreed with a statement more. He doesn’t remember how he got home but he knows Kyungsoo won’t ask so he doesn’t dwell on it. The pounding in his skull continues as he turns over onto stomach, wrapping himself completely in his blanket, and then curling up into the fetal position. The heat from being completely covered in both clothing and sheets causes Chanyeol’s heart to speed up, he can feel his breath becoming more shallow as he continues to overheat. He closes his eyes tight. He loves this, the feeling of being completely absorbed all while being in control. He can take the blankets off at any time and give himself air to breathe but doesn't have to. He likes having a choice.

The sound of keys turning in the lock and the front door being pushed open releases a sigh from his frowning lips as he pushes his head up from beneath his cocoon. Chanyeol’s already bracing himself for Kyungsoo’s nagging, shoving himself further into his sheets.

His bedroom door opens and Chanyeol can feel his heart racing even more with the thought of leaving is room, he doesn’t want to get up, he doesn’t want to see anyone and he sure as hell doesn’t want to go talk to someone about his fucking _feelings._

“Get your ass out of bed Chanyeol it’s 3pm.” Kyungsoo shouts monotonously,  Chanyeol doesn’t have to be looking at him to know he’s scowling, the chills that run down his spine are evidence enough.

“How did you get in?” He’s speaking into his pillow but he knows Kyungsoo will understand what he’s saying.

“Chanyeol you heard me open the door with my keys— the keys that you _gave_ me. Stop asking me this every time I come over, ” He’s over by the window now and Chanyeol doesn’t even get a warning as Kyungsoo quickly opens his blackout drapes, the sun burning him before he covers himself completely with his duvet.

“Now take these and then get in the shower. We’re leaving in half an hour.” Kyungsoo stands over him now, barely covering up the sun stream, and pries open Chanyeol’s hand shoving in two pills.

“I-” Chanyeol starts but knows he won’t win any argument, he sits up, eyeing the advil and swallows them dry. They get stuck halfway done but Chanyeol doesn’t do anything, just sits there with watering eyes until they float down. 

“Get up please.” Kyungsoo pleads again but this time he’s halfway out the door, his dark hair no match for the dark bags underneath his eyes. Courtesy of Chanyeol of course. 

_You can’t do anything right, you can’t even function properly and your only friend has to pay the price._

“I’m not going.” He whispers, quickly diving back under his warm sheets, Kyungsoo deserves a better friend than him and maybe if he doesn’t get up Kyungsoo will realize that too and finally leave him. 

“Chanyeol get the fuck up.” Kyungsoo grabs his ankles and pulls him from the bed, the sudden chill in the air shocks him just his long limbs catch the hardwood floor with a loud bang. He groans, his ass will be permanently bruised soon if Kyungsoo doesn’t think of alternative ways to get him out of bed. He grabs the closest thing near him- a pillow and chucks it towards Kyungsoo’s head now turned to walk out of the room.

Kyungsoo catches the pillow, glaring at Chanyeol’s pouting face and throws the pillow back harder than Chanyeol had. He quickly ducks out of the way before it hits him.

“Half an hour!” He sings sweetly, whistling as he leaves Chanyeol to get ready. Chanyeol falls backward onto the mess of blankets on the floor and screams.

\----

 The car ride is quiet, not unusually so but enough to keep Chanyeol on edge as Kyungsoo pulls his car into the parking lot of a crappy looking, 3-story building. There are 2 other cars just as crappy as the building parked along the front, it’s only the afternoon but Chanyeol already wants to get drunk and forgot this place.

“It starts soon.” Kyungsoo says as he puts the car in neutral, the car stops and the silence thickens even with his low voice in the airwaves.

Chanyeol sighs, observing the building once again, “If I get murdered attending a fucking support group meeting I’ll kill you Kyungsoo.” He's not joking in the slightest but Kyungsoo doesn't seem to care, the building looks like it's seen better days— no years; it looks likes it's seconds away from being condemned.

Kyungsoo hits him hard across the shoulder, leaning across his lap and opens the passenger side door, unbuckling Chanyeol’s belt as he straightens up.

“You’re not going to die, you giant baby, this is supposed to be good for you, you could at least try and enjoy it.” Kyungsoo has a hopeful look on his face, it’s unsettling and Chanyeol can feel his skin getting itchy.

“Hmmm.” He hums noncommittally as he pushes his way out the car door, giving Kyungsoo a little wave as he slams the door shut. He kind of hopes there's a man in the alleyway ready to stab him.

\----

The wooden chairs arranged in a circle and the small table against the wall with snacks and coffee do nothing to curb his suspicions, this is where people come to die. The room looks like it belongs in a building like this, the wallpaper is peeling at the corners.

_So, this is where my tax dollars go._

“Hello!” An excited voice comes from behind Chanyeol, he inwardly cringes at the bright tone and even more so when the man who spoke is smiling extremely brightly.

“I’m Junmyeon, you must be Chanyeol?” He checks his clipboard over as he asks. Junmyeon has beautiful eyes, Chanyeol thinks but their too bright for his liking, shifting his gaze to the peeling wallpaper around the room.

“Yeah.” Junmyeon is still looking at him, Chanyeol has never understood the importance of eye contact and the act itself makes him uncomfortable. He shifts back and forth on his feet the floorboards creaking beneath the weight. 

“Well, Chanyeol,” Junmyeon gives him a small smile and nods “We’ll be starting soon so go take a seat anywhere you’d like.” He gestures to the bundle of chairs arranged in a circle at the middle of the room. He checks Chanyeol's name off the list and hands him a “Hello My Name Is” tag.

He sighs and sticks the sticker on the thigh of his jeans.

There are people already sitting down so Chanyeol follows blindly, like a sheep to the slaughter and goes sits down. Junmyeon and the rest of the idling participants quickly follow. He wants to leave, he wants to call Kyungsoo to pick him up and take him far away from this room and these people. Is this what Kyungsoo really thinks of him? Does he deserve this shitty room with these shitty people and this shitty life? Maybe, but he doesn't think Kyungsoo should think he does.

Time ticks by as Junmyeon checks over his clipboard multiple times, flipping the pages. Chanyeol watches Junmyeon brows furrow when he gets to something on the first page. With every brow furrow, Junmyeon looks up and around at the people, counting them. 

“Well,” he starts “We’re only missing one person so we’ll have to start without him.” He sighs, placing the clipboard beneath this chair.

\---- 

They're halfway through introductions when Chanyeol hears some muffled swearing coming from the hallway and the wooden door creaks as it’s opened and then slammed shut. It’s a boy.

If this were a movie, Chanyeol thinks this boy would be walking in slow motion with the wind blowing his black hair ever so slightly, but it isn't a movie and time seems to continue to work. The boy smiles as he enters the room, waving off Junmyeon’s offer at a name tag. He wants to say he looks familiar but that would be an insult, this boy is worth remembering and Chanyeol knows that for sure. Chanyeol looks around, the others seems disinterested in the late comer and Chanyeol wishes he were too, he didn't want to be. At least now he's not too sure that's true.

Introductions have resumed, Junmyeon looks slightly less concerned as the boy takes the empty seat across from Chanyeol. He knows he's staring but he can't seem to look away, the boy seems to have the same problem except he doesn't seem embarrassed the same way Chanyeol does when the boy's gaze travels up and down his body.

 Chanyeol’s ears are ringing again and it's different than usual, most days he can still function, most days it subsides to a dull buzz which is fine, it reminds him of so loud, his head is swimming and his fingers feel like lead. The leader — Junmyeon is looking at him with concern, the same look he gets from Kyungsoo on a daily basis and it feels like a punch to his gut. Not even in a room with people like him can he fade into the background, he always has to be _it._

Chanyeol body is heating up and he can feel the sweat collecting on his forehead his body aches from trying to stay sitting upright, the ringing in his ear is so painful he feels as if his head splitting in half.

The people in the room pay him no mind, one after another they share their own problems and griefs, their own heartbreaks while Chanyeol clenches his fist, digging his nails into his palm, they're bitten roughly, each nail ripped as low as possible before edging on painful. They are too short to rip the skin of his hand but the dull feeling of his muscles straining seem to distract him enough to look up from where he's fixed his gaze on the chewed up gum stuck to the wooden floor.

The boy smiles at Chanyeol, he feels like a deer caught in the headlights as the boy across the circle (who he still does not know the name of) quirks his head in confusion at Chanyeol's state, even after his smile has faded into a small frown. The boy is nodding along to whatever the woman beside him is saying but his gaze is still trained on Chanyeol’s.

The ringing subsides and Chanyeol can hear the boy's voice. Intoxicating is the first word that comes to mind, it's soft and light but there's a wave of confidence that washes over him when he speaks. Chanyeol can't seem to understand why this boy is here, in this room with a bunch of rejects who don't deserve to breathe the same air as him, this boy seems so sure of himself it makes Chanyeol's blood boil because — shit, he wants to feel like that too, he wants to feel so beyond okay he can just wake up and be _happy_ with himself. In this moment, Chanyeol wants to be this boy. In this room with the peeling wallpaper and stale coffee Chanyeol wants to stand up and walk over to this person, a man he doesn't know and take him out of this room away from the sadness and the coldness of the way he feels and the way those people feel and bring him somewhere he belongs, maybe a park with flowers blooming or a beach where the waves crash against the rocks in an almost romantic way. Chanyeol wants this boy to leave, to walk out of his life before he's even formally walked _into_ it, but he can't because he can feel the rocks in his shoes weighing him down and—

“Chanyeol?”

He blinks. Junmyeon is looking at him and he's not sure what to do. He clears his throat and waits.

  
"Chanyeol, I asked if you had anything to share with us today?" Junmyeon is smiling hopefully, nodding his head in encouragement as Chanyeol clears his throat.  
  
"Not today." He whispers, his voice barely above audible, he can feel it wavering as he speaks, the uncertainty bleeding out of his tongue. He's not sure why he feels like he should say anything. He doesn't know these people, he doesn't owe them a damn thing.

He can feel the dark haired boy’s gaze back on him when he goes back to ripping the hangnail from his finger, it's started to bleed and the pain stabs him with every pull of the extra skin. The boy is burning holes in the top of his head. He quickly looks up, pointer finger hanging out of his mouth but the boy’s not looking at him anymore.

  
Junmyeon dismisses everyone shortly after with the reminder to please return next week, he smiles at Chanyeol when he shakes his hand and thanks him for coming. Chanyeol feels his skin crawl from the contact. 

The weather is nicer than it was when he arrived but the clouds still find themselves covering the sun. It must have rained, he thinks as he watches the cars speed past him kicking up water from the slick pavement. Kyungsoo is nowhere to be seen so, he begins to walk.

Chanyeol digs his hands into his jeans pockets as he trudges down the small street, the little shops along the road are quiet, mostly family business. It reminds him of his home and his family and their small restaurant back in Gwangcheon, he isn't sure he misses them anymore after being away for so long but he smiles at the memory of him and his sister running around the kitchen pretending to be secret agents. He feels a raindrop hit the side of his cheek, and another one hit the leather of his jacket on his shoulder. Before he knows it is raining, and although the assault of water is impressive, he keeps walking.

The rain reminds him of Sujin and her watery eyes whenever she looked at him, he's not sure she really loved him or if he even loved her but he cared for her and he knew that with every extra hour he slept or with every date he missed he was driving her away. He didn't need her but she was nice enough to want to be with. He wishes he could see her again to explain to her that there wasn't anything wrong that he didn't need _help_ he just needs _someone._

“Fuck!” He screams to no one, only a few cars pass by his soaking form every few minutes and his scream disappears as quickly as it's spat out. His stomach is aching, he hates thinking about her. He wishes he never met her, maybe he wouldn't be this fucked up.

It continues to rain and he continues to push away thoughts of her. He's shaking from the cold and his hair is stuck, matted and wet to his forehead. He wants to run, he used to love running. The feeling of the wind hitting his face and the aching burn of his muscles working. He used to feel so alive while running, that feeling is so foreign to him he can't remember what it feels like.

He’s far from the building now, he's not sure how Kyungsoo’s going to find him but he's not worried, he always finds him. He feels a warmth in his chest when he thinks about all the times Kyungsoo has been there for him. 

The sidewalk is slippery and more so with his worn out shoes with no grip so he finds himself sitting outside a closed bookstore after numerous almost fatal slips. Chanyeol peers through the grimy windows, the peeling posters and closed signs obstructing his view. The inside is ripped apart, the flooring removed and the counters smashed to pieces. He can barely make it out but There's a book lying beneath the debris, it's covered in dirt from the demolishment and Chanyeol can help but think about the boy from the meeting, he didn't belong in that room much like that book does not belong among the rubble.

He wants to reach in and take it but before he can lift his arm he feels a hand grab his shoulder. He knows it's Kyungsoo, even through his multiple layers he can feel his hands as if they're gripping his bare skin.

There are few people who can touch Chanyeol without him wanting to crawl out of his skin. Kyungsoo is the entire list.

“It's cold out, why didn't you just wait at the building?” He questions, poking Chanyeol in the shoulder. He's smiling but his eyes looked concerned, “I was worried I wouldn't be able to find you, you should really turn your phone on once in awhile, for emergencies.” He’s not looking up at him anymore and Chanyeol can feel himself fighting off anger, he isn't sure why he's getting mad over this, Kyungsoo is trying his hardest to be there for him and he appreciates it, but with every concern, he feels the acid bubbling in his stomach.

Chanyeol shakes his hands to loosen them from their tight fists and wraps his arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulder, squeezing tighter when he feels him try to escape his grasp. Kyungsoo looks up, his eyes full of surprise and something else Chanyeol can't name. 

“Let’s go home.”

Chanyeol just nods, finally feeling the effect of being around people take its toll on his body.

\----

He's tired, so much so he can barely keep awake on the drive home, his body aches from what he's not sure but he feels like he spent the last day running nonstop.

The ride back is quiet, the radio low enough that Chanyeol’s ears strain to pick up the soft sounds of guitars being strummed. He knows Kyungsoo plays this station for a reason but he’s too tired to talk about it with him, he’s always too tired to talk about anything. He throws his arm across his face and leans the chair back.

“How was it?”

Kyungsoo isn’t looking at him but he can hear worry on the edge of his voice, he’s always worrying and it makes Chanyeol’s chest burn. He doesn't want to cause him worry, Kyungsoo doesn't deserve that. Chanyeol wishes he knew how to be okay. If not for himself, but for his friend. 

“It was fine. I'll go to the next meeting if that's what you're worried about.” His voice cracks when he speaks. He really does want to go again, he just doesn't want to admit it's because he wants to see that boy again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter - @baekxichen
> 
> crossposted on aff

**Author's Note:**

> twitter - @baekxichen
> 
> cross posted on aff


End file.
